1. Don’t ever walk alone in any neighborhood, ever. We will make sure we stock Skittles and all the iced tea you need.
2. Since you are an adolescent, it is possible for you to forget #1. If you forget #1 and you do venture out and a strange man starts falling you, don’t run. I know you may be scared but if you run, it may give the appearance that you have done something illegal. Instead, maintain your stride, and try to smile (if you don’t smile you may be mistaken for being too aggressive). As tempted as you may be to turn around, look straight ahead. By this time the sensors your father and I have surgically installed in you will have gone off. We will be there as soon as possible. In the meantime just keep walking.
3. In the event that you ever get into a single-car accident, under no circumstances are you to get out of the car and go seek help. We have installed alarm devices to notify us if you are ever in an accident. Even if the police arrive, stay in the car, don’t approach them because they may see you as a target. Remain as still as possible. I know you may be in pain but it is safer inside the car enduring your injuries than for you to get out and seek help.
4. Lastly, when you and your friends are out having a good time and you decide to stop at a convenience store, turn your music down completely BEFORE you pull into the parking lot. Don’t speak to anyone at all. Do activate the camera system your father and I have installed so we can survey the grounds. After we give you the green light, feel free to go inside and make your purchase, speaking to no one, and returning immediately to the car.
If you can just follow these 4 steps we feel confident that you can have a happy productive life and live the American dream.